KCloud?!

Life use to be so simple. I’ve always been told there will come times I am tested, and times that I fail that test, but I never really understood what that meant until now. The failing part at least, I feel so far from God right now its almost as if I have nothing to live for in my life except myself. and I hate that feeling with every ounce in my body. I want to live for God, I’m in a missionary program, aren’t I always suppose to live for God? ha, that’s what everyone else seems to think, but we all fall, and we all mess up. I’ve been feeling like this time, God can’t take me back. No way could he want to love someone like me at this point. I wouldn’t want to love me. But amazingly enough, I know he still wants me, I know he still loves me. As hard as it is except, I have to see myself as pure again, As God’s child, because my sins have been washed away. Jesus has cleansed me, over and over, as many times as I need it, He does it. But now, how do I convince myself of this, how do I learn to forgive myself first? God has already forgiven me, now I have to forgive myself. But how long is it going to take? Lord, how long am I going to be like this? I don’t want to be this person anymore, I don’t want to be like this. I just want peace in my life. I want to go back to the simplicity, to the simple beauty in life, and to the peace I have with God and with others. I just don’t want to be this monster anymore. I need forgiveness, from God and from myself.